I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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