Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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