I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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