He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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