It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
