Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
