can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
