I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
