Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
