I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
