i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
