No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
