He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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