You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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