so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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