Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
