I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
