goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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