nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
