We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
