I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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