I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
