i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
