Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
