the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
