I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
