yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
