I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
