I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
