The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
