note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
