I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
