it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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