Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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