i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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