i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Rumble strips road head = magical
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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