I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
