shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
