What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
