checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
