Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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