I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
