The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My liver just had a heart attack.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
