i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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