She announced her abortion via fbk
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She told me I should be a condom model.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
