true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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