when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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