I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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