i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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