What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
