Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
